Monday, December 5, 2011

Hope In the Sky (Happy Birthday Julian and Gianluca!)

So I am exactly one month and one day late with this post, but I'm just so happy I am getting this in before 2012. November 4th marked the anniversary of my twin boys' birthday. At 10:56 and 10:57 AM exactly one year earlier, I was in an operating room anxiously awaiting their arrival. I'll never forget the doctors pushing on my "numb" belly so hard I thought their hands would go right through the table. Then it came. "Baby A, 10:56." It was too quiet and seemed like an eternity until I heard the tiny, angry yelping from my precious new child. A wash of relief. "Baby B, 10:57." A large part of me gave in to the fantasy that maybe I would hear the cry. Maybe it was just delayed...but the silence has continued still 13 months later.
It's amazing how the Lord has turned so many of these things around in my life. How you can mourn, but have joy. Be weak, but have strength. Be in the midst of a storm, yet surrounded by ubiquitous peace. Only one God is able to turn your battle ground into your holy ground (by the way, also the title of a great sermon from Pastor Richard Anderson). This is what I felt on November 4th of this year.
The weeks before their birthday I was really stumped about how to go about celebrating the miracle of Gianluca's life while remembering the beautiful life of his twin brother, Julian. So, we decided to have a pancake-themed party and invited our family and those dear friends who had helped us so much in our times of need with the pregnancy and Gianluca. I got up early in the morning to cook and clean and with the help of my good friend and her daughter, we made 60 pancakes from scratch, a batch of gluten free, a batch of dairy free, plus sausage and bacon. Wow a lot of work, but it was so much fun! The pancakes were a hit and there was a thankfulness in the air that could be felt by all. We listened to the kids screaming and laughing, listened to good music and ate until our bellies were full. It was so amazing to watch Gianluca with all of his siblings, cousins and friends. He has been through a lot in his little life and all to the glory of God. Such a great time.
For Julian's part of the day, we had purchased a sky lantern (www.theskylantern.com), let everyone write messages and Scriptures on it and then went outside to release it. Chris unfolded the paper and moved it back and forth to give it some shape. Then he took a lighter and lit the flammable little card inside. I really didn't realize the impact this would have on me to see this fragile little paper balloon floating in the air, traveling further and further away. At first, we didn't think it was going to go up at all, but as the air heated, it started to gently lift higher and higher. Next, we thought it was going to get stuck in the trees. I closed my eyes for a second not wanting to see my only tribute to my baby be a dud, but it gracefully rocked back and forth in the wind, out of the clutches of the branches. It flew higher and further away and we walked, almost mesmerized down the driveway just to be able to keep our eyes on it. Smaller and smaller it became as the distance between us and the balloon grew. It was soaring now.
I started to think about life and what little control we have over it. Sometimes you think something is going to be a disaster, and end up in the trees, but the grace of God blows it into safety, giving it lift, giving it life and we just have to trust that wind and the fire inside with whatever direction it blows us in so that we, too, can fly.











"...and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:3

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Julian's Online Memorial

I've never shared this publicly before, but in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I'd like to share some of my dearest and sweetest memories of the little boy that God used to change me forever. I am so grateful for his sweet life and I know that because of the love of God, we will one day we will be reunited. Thank you to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who truly is the Author and Finisher of my book. Without Him, I never would have made it out alive. Jesus has filled all of my days with more joy and hope than I could have imagined. Thank you for remembering my precious son, but as you watch, please remember the Son of God who gave His own life as ransom for many so that in the darkest times, we have a hope that does not disappoint. If you give Him your heart, He will make it new. This life is a journey, not a destination. I hope you are all blessed and comforted on this day of remembrance.

Our joys will be greater,
Our lives will be fuller,
Our love will be deeper,
Because of you, Julian




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Friday, October 7, 2011

Running the Race

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith." Hebrews 12:1

The busyness of the fall season has begun and I am too quickly approaching the first birthday of Julian and Gianluca. Recently, we attended a remembrance ceremony at the hospital where I delivered my twins. Four kids and a loving mother-in-law in tow, we sat as quietly as possible (well, except for Kristofer). One of my good friends who happens to be an amazing professional photographer attended with her husband to support us and to take pictures. I am truly blessed. Calmly, we sat and listened to a few speakers, some soothing guitars and folky vocalists, and reconnected with some of the staff that had taken such amazing care of me and the babies. It was so nice to be back. The last place I was able to have Julian. The place where I held him and said, "goodbye". I love going back to that hospital...
Everything was running smoothly until they called out, "Julian Thomas...". It was the cue for Chris, me and the kids to walk up front and light a candle in his honor. With Gianluca on my hip, I took the lighter in my hand and lit the flame. Something about the physical representation of my sweet little baby's life, broke me down and sent me walking back down the aisle, head down and tears cascading to the ground. But just as I got back to my seat, Annika and Berlin were fighting and Kristofer was yelling over the woman on the microphone that he wanted more cookies. This is my life. Always remembering and longing for my one son, and so grateful to have my hands full of my other four not-so-baby babies. It is beautiful chaos and I love every minute. I don't deserve any of it, but serve a God who is full of love and mercy. A truly, good, wonderful Father.
So, I am looking ahead and not back. I used to think that I had to walk backwards into my future so I wouldn't forget my son, so I wouldn't leave him behind. But God has shown me that he isn't in my past, he is in my future. I must continue to run the race and keep my eyes on the prize. The prize is Christ and eternal life. I cannot wait to spend eternity with my Savior and my family in him- Julian included. He waits for me there, dancing in the presence of the Almighty.




Pictured here with the wonderful March of Dimes Director, who has become a dear friend and a sister in Christ. (Left to right: Berlin, Annika, me, Gianluca, Chris and Kristofer.)


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Visions

The thief comes only to steal, slaughter, and destroy. I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly. John 10:10



It's been a while since my last entry, but the streams of lessons, memories and revelations have definitely not run dry. About four weeks ago I spent three hours laboriously typing from the depths of my soul, only to have my computer freeze and the whole thing deleted! Well, it was good reminder to save my work as I go along (think I will do that right now, as a matter of fact). 
I am sitting here finalizing the curriculum for my homeschool lessons this year. Yes! God has been leading us to homeschool and I have been following. I will blog more about this later, but the kids and I are so excited. So, as I meander through the net trying to get the best deals on books, I can't stop thinking about the most recent lesson the Lord, Himself, has taught me. A lesson about Vision. 
The Bible says, "Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keeps the law, happy is he." Proverbs 29:18. Well, I think most mothers (and fathers) can relate; the times I've had the most vivid visions have been during my pregnancies. The planning, the hoping, the dreaming. Envisioning life with your new child. During my last pregnancy, this was multiplied. Two boys! Two little babies at the same time! The worry, the excitement, the unknown. I spent most of my time preparing for what I envisioned life would be. 
The day I found out Julian had died was a day when all of my planning, all of my excitement, all of my hope, died, too. It has definitely been a lot to recover from. I fell not only into a depression after my delivery of the boys, but a place of tremendous fear. I was afraid of my own shadow. If one of the kids coughed, I thought This is it, they are going to be taken, too. 
It was like I was still in the bottom of the ship hiding from the storm, but the seas were calm and the sun was out (psychologists would call this Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). All I could see around me was loss and the fact that anything in life can happen at any time. I started to become physically ill to the point where I had to see many doctors who all concurred that in six months time I will need a pacemaker. I have no history (family or otherwise) of any heart problems, was very healthy and in great shape before my pregnancy, yet, I had developed this unexplained heart condition. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Provers 13:12. 
A few days later I went to church where my pastor's wife had called out to me during service to tell me God was healing my heart. I will blog more about this awesome day later, too. Four days after that I returned to the doctor without any symptoms and have been symptom free ever since. But God didn't just heal my physical heart. He started to heal my soul. I felt a lifting of all of that fear. I started to say, "Okay God, I am going to believe You, again."
The journey to wholeness has been so much like spiritual rehabilitation. Learning to walk, learning to eat, learning to use my hands. But I was still just barely making it. I lost a sense of who I was, who my family was, and more importantly, who my God is. I didn't want to move on. I didn't know what to make of my twinless twin or my four (or five?) children. Lost vision. I had gotten to the point where I didn't fear myself or my children dying at any given moment, but in a way, I had still given up. I assumed an, "If it's going to happen, it's going to happen, there is nothing you can do about it. Why even pray? Just surrender" attitude. But it wasn't God I was surrendering to. It was to defeat. The feeling that no matter what I do, things will be as they are and that is the end of that. I just need to keep going through my Christian walk and wait for Jesus to come take me back...but that isn't living! That isn't the abundant life our Savior Jesus died to give us. That is hopelessness and lack of vision. And of course that is what the enemy wants because it will destroy you. But could I believe God, again? Could I really stand upon His Word after such a huge let down and so much pain? The answer: yes.
Yes! We can trust the Lord. And now, He was asking me to pray for vision. To step out in bold faith and start taking back the ground the enemy had stolen from my life. How? By believing. I started to pray for an increase in faith and a vision. I need to see God for who He is and to know who I am, again.
I have been feeling like my spiritual legs are even stronger than before. Maybe because I know of great loss and pain, that I don't have to fear it. I can see how God's grace was sufficient for me. Think about all the things in life that you dread. I'd say of my top 5, I've experienced 3 (the only two I have left are tsunamis and snakes, and please God, let's keep it like that?). But those three no longer have a hold on me. Been there, done that. And my God is still greater. 
So I'd ask my dearly loved readers, what is it that you have just accepted defeat for in your life? Let's stand together in faith and pray for the vision that we need to continue. Let's resist the thief who comes to kill and destroy, by holding on to the victory we have received in Jesus. He didn't want us just to get by, He wanted us to LIVE. There is no going back, only forward- so live without fear!



Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God. By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his son is with me, a prayer to the God of my life. (Psalm 42: 5,8)






Tuesday, June 28, 2011

On Love and Dreams

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever." It quickly became one of my favorite quotes following the passing of my baby. I had found it in a little pamphlet about bereavement brought to me by the social worker at the hospital. I decided I would have it engraved on a stone bench I had planned to put in Julian's memorial garden at home. I thought about how much I loved him. How much I still love him. I remember wishing that somehow I could reach down into my body and bring him back to life. Oh my precious baby, if only my love could have saved you...
I've had two dreams about Julian since I delivered. One, I had a baby. I'm on the hospital bed holding a large child and looking at my husband saying, "Is it him? Is it...." I didn't speak his name, but it was understood who I was talking about. Julian. Was I holding him in my arms? Was I allowed to have him? My husband held the baby himself and said, "Mommy's a little crazy, isn't she?" I said, "No, Chris, it has to be him! Who else could it be?" I'm holding the baby again and he strokes my arm with his hand and says, "It's okay, Mommy. It's okay...."
My second dream, I'm holding Julian again just like I did 7 months ago, but this time his head starts to move. Then his arm. I'm yelling in the room trying to convince the doctors that he is alive. "He's alive! Look!" Everyone in the room is busy doing other things. I can see something is not right with the baby. Maybe he's not okay? I hold my son to my cheek and whisper, "I don't care if something is wrong with you. I'm just so happy you're alive."
I love these dreams. In them, anything is possible and for just a moment we are reunited. As time passes, I cannot say that my pain has decreased at all. In some ways, I feel it's worsened, but I have become better at coping. God's grace is poured out and He gives me revelation. But still, while life keeps moving, seasons changing, all I want is to go back to the time when I had them both. And sometimes I feel that if I can't go back, I just don't want to move forward...
So on thinking about this quote again today, and feeling that I was about to be overcome with grief, the Holy Spirit brought to mind, "For God so LOVED the world, that He gave his only begotten Son; that whomsoever shall believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16. Shall not perish. These little dreams I have are just a taste of the hope that is to come. The hope I had almost forgotten about. Love HAS saved him. That's right, Lord. Your love on a cross. Your love conquering the grave. YOUR LOVE raising from the dead so that death loses it's power! Because God loves Julian more than I ever can, I can say this and move forward in complete faith; that Julian has been saved and it wasn't by my love, but it was by the love of Christ. I am redesigning the bench. I have a new declaration:

"Love has saved you, and you will live forever."

Thank you Jesus!


"This is what the LORD says: "A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because her children are no more. This is what the LORD says: 'Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded,' declares the LORD. 'They will return from the land of the enemy.'" Jeremiah 31:15-16

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Prisoner of Hope

I will never forget lying on the table at my doctor's office for my 32 weeks sonogram. Monday, October 11, 2010. The sonographer's face as she stared at the screen will forever be imprinted in my memory. How her hand rested across her mouth in a distinctly perplexed manner. There was a long pause, "Theresa, is everything okay or are you just deep in thought?" I asked. I hear my three other children whining in the corner of the room from the stroller. My mom had come through the door seconds before this exclaiming, "Sorry, I'm late!" She and I are both watching for Theresa's next move. "Well, it's both." She gazes directly at me, "Adrienne....I'm so sorry...."
Now my heart is pounding almost out of my chest. "Is it Baby A?" "Yes," she says. I'm ready for her to say, "He is sick" or "We have to deliver". But instead the blow was, "His heartbeat is gone."
"How is Baby B?" Now the kids are screaming at one another, my mother starts crying and I snap into what I like to call instinct mode. "Mom, please take my kids outside, away from here." As they are carted out with Abuela, I'm still lying on the table and Theresa is trying take pictures of my now deceased baby.
The un-attentive doctor who had mismanaged my whole pregnancy comes into the room. I look at him and say, "But....I felt...." "You don't know what you are feeling when you have twins," he cuts me off. I continued lying on the table for what felt like an eternity. I was sobbing and kept asking Theresa, "Are you sure? Are you POSITIVE, Theresa? Could this be a mistake???" Staring at the ceiling as they spoke my mind drifted. It took all my strength not to stick my fingers in my ears and run off the table telling them that they are liars and they are wrong.
I'm sure another time I'll write more about this day. This dark, dark day of my life. When the unexpected happened. I still cry when I think about it all.
I know of another dark day. A day of shattered hopes and dreams. When all the effort of a man's life ended abruptly and unfairly in a shameful death. How do you think the disciples felt watching their leader, their Savior hang naked on a tree receiving a punishment he did not deserve? They had to watch his body die and then be buried. The hopelessness they must have felt. Shattered dreams. Questioning everything, even the God, they'd always believed in. I felt like this that day.
But Scripture tells those who have lost and suffered:

"Turn you to the strong hold, you prisoners of hope: even to day do I declare that I will render double to you." Zechariah 9:12

It can be easy at these times to become a prisoner of your own making. Jailed by bitterness and fears, you can no longer see the good things that still lie ahead. You are too afraid to believe again. This had to have been how the disciples felt as they fled in fear and then as Peter denied and even cursed Jesus' name.
What no one could have known the day Jesus was crucified (except, of course, for Jesus), was that a Resurrection Day was coming. He would conquer death and the cross and that everyone from then on that believed in him would never have to be a prisoner of the grave. Even at that blackest hour, glory was coming.
I know that in my suffering, I cannot forget the glory of the resurrection. Scripture tells us that not only did Jesus raise from the dead, but that he is coming back again. And when he returns, there will be another resurrection day. Wow! I never knew that until my stay at the hospital. The dead in Christ shall rise. My son, Julian, shall rise first and then we will be caught up with them.

"For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: then we that are alive, that are left, shall together with them be caught up in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord." 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17

I remember reading these verses and immediately being filled back up by the Spirit of God. There is hope! All is not lost! So I wait for this day as I live my life as gratefully as I can. Waiting for the return of Christ. Looking to the clouds. Knowing that hope lies ahead, I stay safe and sound in it's prison, never wanting to be freed.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Nothing wrong with my baby

I had to post this quickly because I feel like there are so many questions about what happened and I just want to clear the air. There was nothing wrong with my son, Julian. He wasn't disabled, he wasn't sick, he wouldn't have been a "problem" or a "burden" for me. TTTS is something that happens when babies share a placenta and the blood flows unevenly between the two of them. It makes one baby's heart pump twice as hard. They call this baby the "donor". If left untreated, the baby will become weak, anemic and can die. This is something that can happen any time, even during delivery. For me, it had set in at the end of my pregnancy and unfortunately, I was not being managed correctly by my doctors who should have put me as high risk because my sons shared a placenta. They were monochorionic diamniotic (one placenta, two sacs). If I had been given one simple doppler test during my sono, they would have identified it and taken the proper measures the treat us. My doctors were negligent and then tried to cover it up after my baby passed away.
Julian was the exact replica of Gianluca. When he was born, he had the same feet, same black hair, same long fingers, nose and mouth. I held him in my arms for two hours, crying, rocking him and telling him how much I will always love him. I'm so glad that the Lord chose me to be his mommy. I'm so happy that he was in my belly, growing and knowing that I loved him. I did my very, very best to try and have a healthy pregnancy. Even when the doctors shot down my concerns, I didn't stop searching for answers. Unfortunately, I was searching in the dark and now, hindsight is truly 20/20. But I never regret my pregnancy and I have the same amount of love for him that I did while he was alive kicking and hiccuping inside of me. My son is not a "was", he is an "is"; and he is in the presence of the Lord and one day we will be reunited. Thanks for reading <3

Friday, May 20, 2011

Everything happens for a reason....

I have never rejected that phrase more than I do now. Many have said it to me in regard to Julian passing away. Well-meaning friends and family trying to soothe my wounds with lemon juice.

"If one of your three children died today, would you stand at their grave and say that everything happens for a reason?" This was one response I had given. I wasn't at all angry, but I was trying to shed some light on a common phrase that can pack some pretty offensive innuendos. As time has gone by, though, I find I am able to deal with hurtful comments with so much more grace than a few months ago.

Back to the phrase, I had a lot of time to think about why things happen when I spent those four weeks in the hospital prior to giving birth. I felt that if I could somehow explain why my baby had passed away, it would ease my pain. Yet, I found no answer was sufficient. If everything happens for a reason...what was that reason and is it benevolent or punishment?

I started torturing myself. Maybe it was something I said. Something I did? Sins of the past? Was I not grateful enough? Did I choose the wrong doctor? Would five children have been too much? Was I just incapable of handling them so one had to go? Perhaps I wasn't the mother and Christian I thought I was... On and on. What was this REASON everyone spoke of and how could it possible be something GOOD? How in the world is a dead baby better than a living one??

I prayed and read Scripture, going to God himself, to find the truth. And there it was,

That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. Matthew 5:45

So, things don't necessarily happen for a reason, but they do happen! Life just happens. That is it. But now, here is the promise of God for His children,

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Even though life has happened, the Lord promised that He will work it together for my good. I'm so happy that I don't serve a God who loves me based on my actions, but on the actions of His Son. And if there is going to be any reason at all, let it all be for His glory. Anything less is unacceptable.

Through His Word I have realized that there isn't always a "reason", but that I can trust God when life happens.


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

This little light of mine...

I've wrestled a lot about starting a blog. Although, the desire has been there from the beginning to put down in letter what I speak out daily. But, I'm typically not one to publicize my inner most thoughts and let my feelings be on display. Even my Facebook page is guarded with Scripture and inspirational sayings. I just don't like to feel that vulnerable.
So, after a very choppy and oversimplified account of the story of my twins, I finally published my first post last night. I felt a huge sense of accomplishment- and then regret. Letting it all go....public. What was I thinking? But what is the purpose of this journey if it doesn't change me? There will always be naysayers and gossips; but somewhere there is someone struggling with loss, with shattered dreams, with hopes deferred. I truly know the pain of a broken heart and yet, a God who's grace is greater than the pain. I knew it only in words that I had read before the loss of Julian. Now I know the love of God in an intimate way that is my strength, my ability and my renewed hope.
I am praying with each new posting. Asking the Lord to bring His comfort and light to all my readers. Asking that He would be glorified in the life and death of Julian. I am going to trust Him with my own life and whatever He wants to use. Hide it under a bushel? No.

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick, but a fulfilled longing is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Julian (Baby A) and Gianluca (Baby B)

On October 11, 2010, I was 32 weeks pregnant with identical twin boys and headed into the doctor's office for a routine sono. While on the table, the sonographer told me that Baby A had died. From there, I was transferred over to a high risk practice to get a more detailed sonogram. The high risk doctor asked me if my babies had shared a placenta or if they had individual placentas. I had no idea and unfortunately, neither did my previous doctor's office. No one had bothered to check.

Up until this point of my pregnancy, I was always told that the babies were very healthy and on the bigger side. Their sizes always seemed to be within an ounce of each other. During dopplers, I knew that baby A had a slightly slower heart beat. I had also called the office many times to tell them that Baby B had hiccups all the time, but not Baby A. They would dismiss all of my complaining. The office visit before this sonogram, I had even told one of the doctors that I lost six pounds, my milk dried up and I had gotten very swollen. Still, my complaints were ignored.

I had also been seeing a cardiologist for severe tachycardia and had become pretty anemic to the point that a hematologist was going to put me on IV iron infusions the week before I found out that Baby A had died. Still, my OB told me this was all "normal". Through much research, I have been able to put the pieces together about what happened. Most likely my boys suffered from Twin To Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS). One simple test from my doctor's office would have diagnosed them and it is very likely I would have delivered two live babies, instead of one.

While we were still reeling from the news of the loss of one of our boys, the high risk doctor then told us that it seemed I was carrying monochorionic diamniotic twins and now there was up to a 40% chance that my other baby would have severe brain damage and/or heart and kidney damage, a 90% chance that he would die too and a 75% chance that I would go into labor during the next two weeks. I was put into the hospital until I could safely deliver my other twin boy. I had to leave at home my other three children who were ages 6, 3 and 15 months. Every day I had myriad testing done to try and save the life of my other twin.

To the glory of God, I did not show signs of labor until FOUR weeks later, I survived my C-section on November 4, 2010, and Baby B was born PERFECTLY HEALTHY! I am so grateful to be safely home with my children and am completely in love with my new little boy. Still, I have days where I have to lock myself in the bathroom so that the other kids don't see me crying. Sometimes I get anxiety attacks when I'm reminded of things that happened during my pregnancy. I struggled with a lot of guilt that maybe if I would have gotten a second opinion or pushed harder, I would have been able to save my child.

This is when I rely on the word of God stored up in my heart. I have learned so much about the love and grace of God through this journey. I know that we are meant to be vessels of His glory and I hope to share about the loving kindness of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ through this blog. Thanks for reading. <3