On Love and Dreams

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever." It quickly became one of my favorite quotes following the passing of my baby. I had found it in a little pamphlet about bereavement brought to me by the social worker at the hospital. I decided I would have it engraved on a stone bench I had planned to put in Julian's memorial garden at home. I thought about how much I loved him. How much I still love him. I remember wishing that somehow I could reach down into my body and bring him back to life. Oh my precious baby, if only my love could have saved you...

I've had two dreams about Julian since I delivered. One, I had a baby. I'm on the hospital bed holding a large child and looking at my husband saying, "Is it him? Is it...." I didn't speak his name, but it was understood who I was talking about. Julian. Was I holding him in my arms? Was I allowed to have him? My husband held the baby himself and said, "Mommy's a little crazy, isn't she?" I said, "No, Chris, it has to be him! Who else could it be?" I'm holding the baby again and he strokes my arm with his hand and says, "It's okay, Mommy. It's okay...."

My second dream, I'm holding Julian again just like I did 7 months ago, but this time his head starts to move. Then his arm. I'm yelling in the room trying to convince the doctors that he is alive. "He's alive! Look!" Everyone in the room is busy doing other things. I can see something is not right with the baby. Maybe he's not okay? I hold my son to my cheek and whisper, "I don't care if something is wrong with you. I'm just so happy you're alive."

I love these dreams. In them, anything is possible and for just a moment we are reunited. As time passes, I cannot say that my pain has decreased at all. In some ways, I feel it's worsened, but I have become better at coping. God's grace is poured out and He gives me revelation. But still, while life keeps moving, seasons changing, all I want is to go back to the time when I had them both. And sometimes I feel that if I can't go back, I just don't want to move forward...

So on thinking about this quote again today, and feeling that I was about to be overcome with grief, the Holy Spirit brought to mind, "For God so LOVED the world, that He gave his only begotten Son; that whomsoever shall believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16. Shall not perish. These little dreams I have are just a taste of the hope that is to come. The hope I had almost forgotten about. Love HAS saved him. That's right, Lord. Your love on a cross. Your love conquering the grave. YOUR LOVE raising from the dead so that death loses it's power! Because God loves Julian more than I ever can, I can say this and move forward in complete faith; that Julian has been saved and it wasn't by my love, but it was by the love of Christ. I am redesigning the bench. I have a new declaration:

"Love has saved you, and you will live forever."

Thank you Jesus!

"This is what the LORD says: "A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because her children are no more. This is what the LORD says: 'Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded,' declares the LORD. 'They will return from the land of the enemy.'" Jeremiah 31:15-16