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I hope you all were able to enjoy your holidays and changing of the calendar. For me, the ending of 2011 was something I didn't want to see happen. I remember feeling the same thing in 2010. Everyone told me that the holidays are the worst for missing loved ones passed, but I never think those cliches really apply to me. I was wrong. The boys' birthday, I could handle. Christmas, I could handle. New Years- almost too hard to handle.
I'll back up a bit and share something very few people know, but in August 2011 I became pregnant. By September the doctor was telling me that based upon my HCG numbers, she believed I was having twins again. Wow! Twins! Again! Thank you, Lord!!!
By October we knew things weren't looking right and that the pregnancy was probably going to end...and it did.
Then November was the twins' first birthday and Christmas, New Year's....I'm sure you get the picture.
Sometimes life feels like it's moving at a speed that you just can't keep up with. I'm wanting to wait and sit in the moment just to process and, well, the world keeps on spinning. Twenty-four hours a day.
It is through these times that I realize how weak and frail I really am. If people only knew the struggles I have, just like everyone else, they might not think so highly of me. I'm so happy that I know I can be open and honest before a God who loves me though, at my worst and at my best.
So for this new coming year I felt again the pangs of grief start to swell up. My other twin, Gianluca, has been growing into such a beautiful little toddler who isn't as dependent on his mommy as the infant he was, and I think that has freed me up to do some grieving that I just wasn't capable of during 2011. For the entire month of January I had found myself crying and overwhelmed at moments again just like the year before... This time, though, I welcomed these moments instead of trying to subdue them. I am not frenzied over a sick preemie any longer and could allow myself to take the time to weep. The release was welcome and probably much needed.
I had felt a little bit conflicted over this. I know so many people have held their breath waiting for me to collapse, or get the prescription for medication, or watch me curse God; but a loss of faith isn't what is happening here. I'm just weak. I don't have superhuman strength, or an extra ability that others don't have. All I have is a faith in a God who is my strength and ability and sometimes you have to reach the very pits of weakness to realize how truly strong He is. Enough to deliver you from all of your pains, regrets and fears. So, for now, I rest in knowing that,
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to gather stones and a time to scatter them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to give away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
I'll let the Lord guide me through my seasons, as I hold onto His unchanging hand and faithful love. So that if I mourn or if I dance, it is all for His glory. Peace and love to you my friends.
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