Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Letter to Julian

Happy Valentine's Day! This has been one of the best that I've had in years. I woke up early to make heart-shaped pancakes for my family, watched as the kids gave their Valentine's gifts to Chris and spent the rest of the day cooking and crafting with the kids.
I am so grateful for the unfailing love of God in my life. No matter what I have done or where I have gone, His love has never left me. For the moments I gave up or walked away...even the times I actively defied God, His patience and grace have guided me through every single moment. There is not a time I can look back at my life and not see His amazing works. How he held me together when I thought I'd fall apart is more testament to how I can truly trust Him.
Still, this week has been a tough one for me. I'm not sure if it is the start of the support group or other circumstances in my life that have brought back some fresh feelings of grief, but they are definitely here. It can really make you feel isolated because everyone has expected me to move on by now; even me.
But in light of my loss, it has made me so very grateful for every moment I have on this earth. Every day that I get to wake up and make breakfast for the kids, coffee for my husband, changing diapers, schooling and cleaning, all the crazy things my kids to do make me laugh and the moments they just absolutely amaze me- I'm so grateful. There was a time I was away from them and didn't know if I would be back to ever enjoy this again. There is a child that I cannot do these things for or with...I am grateful.
I've been waiting for the right moment to share a letter I wrote to my son, Julian four days before I delivered him and his brother Gianluca. The March of Dimes representative, who now is one of my closest friends, had dropped off her weekly crafting project for me: two pieces of paper with a sort of frame to post my next sonogram picture on. I'll never forget her coming into my room and offering me two papers instead of one. It meant so much to me that she acknowledged that I still carried two. Still loved two. Still dreamed of two...
I held onto those papers for weeks, wanting to decorate them just the right way. I had wanted to put Bible verses on them and needed time to find just the right ones. To this day, I still haven't finished Gianluca's- but I will! LOL
What I do have is Julian's. There is no sono picture on it because the techs refused to give me a picture of him at my weekly sono after he passed away. I was able to find meaningful Scripture and even used the baby-themed stickers I was given and on the back of it wrote an emotional letter that reads,

To My Dearly Loved Son, Julian:


Your life was used to change mine from the moment you were conceived. How precious you will always be to me and Daddy. If I had been able to watch you grow and train you up in the Lord, I would have taught you to love the Lord, to always trust and obey Him and to never give up.
Now, as your mother, I am walking out those principles and every fiber of my faith is being tested; but I will not give up.
I promise never to let your life be used by Satan as a means to snuff out the light of Jesus or to be a subject of bitterness.
Just like your brothers and sisters, as brief a moment in time as it has been, your life will be a subject of joy and great testimony for our God.
And now, my sweet baby, I lay you to rest in the hands of our Savior, knowing that you are in the presence of His love and His glory, never to feel pain or hurt.
Until the day when Daddy and I meet you again, my heart will always be filled with the unconditional love God gave me for you and a tender aching to see you again.


With all my heart,


Mommy
10-31-10


Like the saying for 9/11 "We will never forget", I say the same. I will never forget...to be grateful. To love while I have the chance and to use whatever time God has given me to the best of my ability. And even greater than the love that a mother has for her children or a husband for his bride, is the love that Jesus has for each and every one of us. The trial in your life does not mean God doesn't love you. If we only could comprehend a portion of how deep His love is for us, we would have hope and peace that would be immeasurable. One day we will see Him face to face. One day, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4.

Our joys will be greater,
Our love will be deeper,
Our lives will be fuller,
Because of you...


***For mothers out there who have lost a child during pregnancy via miscarriage, abortion or stillbirth, we now have a support group Facebook page: www.facebook.com/groups/beautyforashesny where you can find hope and healing.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Beauty For Ashes Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group



"...and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes..." Isaiah 61:3


I'm so, so happy to be able to share the news that back in November the Lord enabled me to start a faith-based support group for women who have suffered the loss of a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion or infant death during the first year called Beauty For Ashes Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group. My wonderful church has opened its doors and allowed us to use the cozy lounge/coffeehouse for our meetings. I had waited to share the news to see what kind of a response I would get and boy, was there a pretty significant one!
Baby loss, unfortunately, is a sort of taboo in our culture. Too many times moms who are forced to bury a baby are also left to grieve alone, or sometimes not allowed to grieve at all. I've personally felt this first-hand after enduring two miscarriages and giving birth to my own son who Heaven held before I did... Beauty For Ashes Infant and Pregnancy Loss Support Group is a place where women can come and share their pains, lay down their burdens and find encouragement, hope and peace on their journey. We meet every third Saturday of the month at 10:30 AM for coffee and bagels in the coffeehouse of Holding Out Hope Church, 660 Middle Country Rd. Middle Island, New York. For directions or more information, please feel free to contact me at archer.adrienne@gmail.com.
We also have a Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/groups/beautyforashesny/ and beautyforashesny@groups.facebook.com) to offer additional support and to be a touch point for women who live out of state, but are looking to connect with a faith-based organization such as this. The Notes section of the page lists myriad resources for our moms and their family members, as well. Thank you to everyone who has supported this mission. Thank you to Lindsey Soto-Villanueva, the March of Dimes representative at Stony Brook University Hospital for your amazing dedication, compassion and loyal service to the Lord, Pastors Richard and Diane Anderson for opening up the church to our group and to Susan Johnson, the behind the scenes lady who has been my mentor, my friend and a true sister in the Lord who really "does it all"!
I ask all who read this that you please consider sharing this on your own Facebook page or email to your contacts as you never know what woman in your life may be carrying her own painful secret of loss, suffering in silence, who could use some healing and hope.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. It is not as the world gives that I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, and do not let it be afraid.” John 14:27



Friday, February 3, 2012

Back in the Saddle...Merry Christmas, Happy New Year?


That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10
Yes, I know, it's been a while. I've had so much to write about and so much desire to write it but, so little time. I know you all can relate. So please accept my (very) belated: Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!
I hope you all were able to enjoy your holidays and changing of the calendar. For me, the ending of 2011 was something I didn't want to see happen. I remember feeling the same thing in 2010. Everyone told me that the holidays are the worst for missing loved ones passed, but I never think those cliches really apply to me. I was wrong. The boys' birthday, I could handle. Christmas, I could handle. New Years- almost too hard to handle.
I'll back up a bit and share something very few people know, but in August 2011 I became pregnant. By September the doctor was telling me that based upon my HCG numbers, she believed I was having twins again. Wow! Twins! Again! Thank you, Lord!!!
By October we knew things weren't looking right and that the pregnancy was probably going to end...and it did.
Then November was the twins' first birthday and Christmas, New Year's....I'm sure you get the picture.
Sometimes life feels like it's moving at a speed that you just can't keep up with. I'm wanting to wait and sit in the moment just to process and, well, the world keeps on spinning. Twenty-four hours a day.
It is through these times that I realize how weak and frail I really am. If people only knew the struggles I have, just like everyone else, they might not think so highly of me. I'm so happy that I know I can be open and honest before a God who loves me though, at my worst and at my best.
So for this new coming year I felt again the pangs of grief start to swell up. My other twin, Gianluca, has been growing into such a beautiful little toddler who isn't as dependent on his mommy as the infant he was, and I think that has freed me up to do some grieving that I just wasn't capable of during 2011. For the entire month of January I had found myself crying and overwhelmed at moments again just like the year before... This time, though, I welcomed these moments instead of trying to subdue them. I am not frenzied over a sick preemie any longer and could allow myself to take the time to weep. The release was welcome and probably much needed.
I had felt a little bit conflicted over this. I know so many people have held their breath waiting for me to collapse, or get the prescription for medication, or watch me curse God; but a loss of faith isn't what is happening here. I'm just weak. I don't have superhuman strength, or an extra ability that others don't have. All I have is a faith in a God who is my strength and ability and sometimes you have to reach the very pits of weakness to realize how truly strong He is. Enough to deliver you from all of your pains, regrets and fears. So, for now, I rest in knowing that,



There is a time for everything, 
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to gather stones and a time to scatter them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to give away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace. 
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I'll let the Lord guide me through my seasons, as I hold onto His unchanging hand and faithful love. So that if I mourn or if I dance, it is all for His glory. Peace and love to you my friends.