Julian's Online Memorial

I've never shared this publicly before, but in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I'd like to share some of my dearest and sweetest memories of the little boy that God used to change me forever. I am so grateful for his sweet life and I know that because of the love of God, we will one day we will be reunited. Thank you to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who truly is the Author and Finisher of my book. Without Him, I never would have made it out alive. Jesus has filled all of my days with more joy and hope than I could have imagined. Thank you for remembering my precious son, but as you watch, please remember the Son of God who gave His own life as ransom for many so that in the darkest times, we have a hope that does not disappoint. If you give Him your heart, He will make it new. This life is a journey, not a destination. I hope you are all blessed and comforted on this day of remembrance.

Our joys will be greater,
Our lives will be fuller,
Our love will be deeper,
Because of you, Julian

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Running the Race

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith." Hebrews 12:1

The busyness of the fall season has begun and I am too quickly approaching the first birthday of Julian and Gianluca. Recently, we attended a remembrance ceremony at the hospital where I delivered my twins. Four kids and a loving mother-in-law in tow, we sat as quietly as possible (well, except for Kristofer). One of my good friends who happens to be an amazing professional photographer attended with her husband to support us and to take pictures. I am truly blessed. Calmly, we sat and listened to a few speakers, some soothing guitars and folky vocalists, and reconnected with some of the staff that had taken such amazing care of me and the babies. It was so nice to be back. The last place I was able to have Julian. The place where I held him and said, "goodbye". I love going back to that hospital...
Everything was running smoothly until they called out, "Julian Thomas...". It was the cue for Chris, me and the kids to walk up front and light a candle in his honor. With Gianluca on my hip, I took the lighter in my hand and lit the flame. Something about the physical representation of my sweet little baby's life, broke me down and sent me walking back down the aisle, head down and tears cascading to the ground. But just as I got back to my seat, Annika and Berlin were fighting and Kristofer was yelling over the woman on the microphone that he wanted more cookies. This is my life. Always remembering and longing for my one son, and so grateful to have my hands full of my other four not-so-baby babies. It is beautiful chaos and I love every minute. I don't deserve any of it, but serve a God who is full of love and mercy. A truly, good, wonderful Father.
So, I am looking ahead and not back. I used to think that I had to walk backwards into my future so I wouldn't forget my son, so I wouldn't leave him behind. But God has shown me that he isn't in my past, he is in my future. I must continue to run the race and keep my eyes on the prize. The prize is Christ and eternal life. I cannot wait to spend eternity with my Savior and my family in him- Julian included. He waits for me there, dancing in the presence of the Almighty.

Pictured here with the wonderful March of Dimes Director, who has become a dear friend and a sister in Christ. (Left to right: Berlin, Annika, me, Gianluca, Chris and Kristofer.)