Thursday, September 12, 2013

Worship in Mourning

"Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground and worshiped, And said, Naked I came out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed by the name of the LORD." Job 1:20






As the summer wanes and fall meets the horizon, the familiar breezes in the air take me back to that place. Those special memories of carrying my boys. The intense pains of loss, the fear of the unknown and yet the amazing grace of my Abba Father and the joys of His deliverance. Only when a Christian has known such intense grief can they truly understand the intertwining of mourning and worship. That it is possible to be at the bottom, in the most intense pain you have ever felt and to continue to worship the One true and living God. It is only by the power of His Spirit that we can cry, and moan and bow before His throne.

I remember so vividly the pains of yesterday. There are times I secretly scream inside with certain images and memories of my little baby boy, Julian. The suffocating thoughts of misery and hopelessness slowly creep in. This is when I need to worship more than ever. This is where the breakthrough lies. And Father God is never far away. He is closest to my breaking heart, healing it, infusing me with hope through the Holy Spirit. And I can breathe again.

I do not anticipate that this pain will ever go away; as the mortal awaits for the immortal, I will continue to bow my head in worship. I know, now, that nothing can separate me from the love of Christ. Not height, nor depth, nor hell, no death...I encourage you, wherever you are today, you do not have to deny the pain you are in to continue to worship. The Lord knows where you are at and He doesn't look for someone who cleans themselves up, wipes their tears and prepares to worship, no. He looks for the contrite of heart. The humble. Then He will lift you up. Then He gives you the garment of praise for your mourning.




Thursday, May 16, 2013

Hello, again.

It's been a little over a year since my last post. I've actually debated continuing on with this blog as it seemed that every time my heart was running over with words to type, the time would just escape me. A message I received from a FB friend telling me how much my blog helped her during the time she lost one of her twin boys was just the spark I needed to ignite the fire.
It is truly amazing what the Lord can do with such tragic circumstances. There was a time in my life that I could see no way out, no future, no hope....My feelings overwhelmed me and I was being suffocated by despair, when the spirit of the living God revived me again with His words of life.
I am looking back at the last two years with so much amazement. Now, a new baby girl, only 4-months-old, sleeps quietly in a crib. My surviving twin, Gianluca, is much more a "big boy" and much less "baby", but I am happy to watch him grow. Two years ago I did not know if I would lose him, also, or if he had been permanently brain damaged. I remember the times of watching his crib in the hospital, not wanting to close my eyes for a minute in case something went wrong. Fear gripping me as images of his brother's limp body in my hands played over and over for me.
I am understanding heaven more, understanding grace more, understanding the deep, deep love of Christ. None of this would have come about had I not lost my little Julian. And even while I type that I know it is partially a lie because, he is not lost. He is alive and in glory with my Lord.
More to come, I cannot wait to keep writing and sharing the goodness of the Lord. How he has brought beauty from my ashes and allowed my boys to be vessels of His glory.

"Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." 1 Cor 1:4