Letter to Julian

Happy Valentine's Day! This has been one of the best that I've had in years. I woke up early to make heart-shaped pancakes for my family, watched as the kids gave their Valentine's gifts to Chris and spent the rest of the day cooking and crafting with the kids.
I am so grateful for the unfailing love of God in my life. No matter what I have done or where I have gone, His love has never left me. For the moments I gave up or walked away...even the times I actively defied God, His patience and grace have guided me through every single moment. There is not a time I can look back at my life and not see His amazing works. How he held me together when I thought I'd fall apart is more testament to how I can truly trust Him.
Still, this week has been a tough one for me. I'm not sure if it is the start of the support group or other circumstances in my life that have brought back some fresh feelings of grief, but they are definitely here. It can really make you feel isolated because everyone has expected me to move on by now; even me.
But in light of my loss, it has made me so very grateful for every moment I have on this earth. Every day that I get to wake up and make breakfast for the kids, coffee for my husband, changing diapers, schooling and cleaning, all the crazy things my kids to do make me laugh and the moments they just absolutely amaze me- I'm so grateful. There was a time I was away from them and didn't know if I would be back to ever enjoy this again. There is a child that I cannot do these things for or with...I am grateful.
I've been waiting for the right moment to share a letter I wrote to my son, Julian four days before I delivered him and his brother Gianluca. The March of Dimes representative, who now is one of my closest friends, had dropped off her weekly crafting project for me: two pieces of paper with a sort of frame to post my next sonogram picture on. I'll never forget her coming into my room and offering me two papers instead of one. It meant so much to me that she acknowledged that I still carried two. Still loved two. Still dreamed of two...
I held onto those papers for weeks, wanting to decorate them just the right way. I had wanted to put Bible verses on them and needed time to find just the right ones. To this day, I still haven't finished Gianluca's- but I will! LOL
What I do have is Julian's. There is no sono picture on it because the techs refused to give me a picture of him at my weekly sono after he passed away. I was able to find meaningful Scripture and even used the baby-themed stickers I was given and on the back of it wrote an emotional letter that reads,

To My Dearly Loved Son, Julian:


Your life was used to change mine from the moment you were conceived. How precious you will always be to me and Daddy. If I had been able to watch you grow and train you up in the Lord, I would have taught you to love the Lord, to always trust and obey Him and to never give up.
Now, as your mother, I am walking out those principles and every fiber of my faith is being tested; but I will not give up.
I promise never to let your life be used by Satan as a means to snuff out the light of Jesus or to be a subject of bitterness.
Just like your brothers and sisters, as brief a moment in time as it has been, your life will be a subject of joy and great testimony for our God.
And now, my sweet baby, I lay you to rest in the hands of our Savior, knowing that you are in the presence of His love and His glory, never to feel pain or hurt.
Until the day when Daddy and I meet you again, my heart will always be filled with the unconditional love God gave me for you and a tender aching to see you again.


With all my heart,


Mommy
10-31-10


Like the saying for 9/11 "We will never forget", I say the same. I will never forget...to be grateful. To love while I have the chance and to use whatever time God has given me to the best of my ability. And even greater than the love that a mother has for her children or a husband for his bride, is the love that Jesus has for each and every one of us. The trial in your life does not mean God doesn't love you. If we only could comprehend a portion of how deep His love is for us, we would have hope and peace that would be immeasurable. One day we will see Him face to face. One day, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4.

Our joys will be greater,
Our love will be deeper,
Our lives will be fuller,
Because of you...

***For mothers out there who have lost a child during pregnancy via miscarriage, abortion or stillbirth, we now have a support group Facebook page: www.facebook.com/groups/beautyforashesny where you can find hope and healing.

Beauty For Ashes Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group

"...and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes..." Isaiah 61:3

I'm so, so happy to be able to share the news that back in November the Lord enabled me to start a faith-based support group for women who have suffered the loss of a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion or infant death during the first year called Beauty For Ashes Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group. My wonderful church has opened its doors and allowed us to use the cozy lounge/coffeehouse for our meetings. I had waited to share the news to see what kind of a response I would get and boy, was there a pretty significant one!
Baby loss, unfortunately, is a sort of taboo in our culture. Too many times moms who are forced to bury a baby are also left to grieve alone, or sometimes not allowed to grieve at all. I've personally felt this first-hand after enduring two miscarriages and giving birth to my own son who Heaven held before I did... Beauty For Ashes Infant and Pregnancy Loss Support Group is a place where women can come and share their pains, lay down their burdens and find encouragement, hope and peace on their journey. We meet every third Saturday of the month at 10:30 AM for coffee and bagels in the coffeehouse of Holding Out Hope Church, 660 Middle Country Rd. Middle Island, New York. For directions or more information, please feel free to contact me at archer.adrienne@gmail.com.
We also have a Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/groups/beautyforashesny/ and beautyforashesny@groups.facebook.com) to offer additional support and to be a touch point for women who live out of state, but are looking to connect with a faith-based organization such as this. The Notes section of the page lists myriad resources for our moms and their family members, as well. Thank you to everyone who has supported this mission. Thank you to Lindsey Soto-Villanueva, the March of Dimes representative at Stony Brook University Hospital for your amazing dedication, compassion and loyal service to the Lord, Pastors Richard and Diane Anderson for opening up the church to our group and to Susan Johnson, the behind the scenes lady who has been my mentor, my friend and a true sister in the Lord who really "does it all"!
I ask all who read this that you please consider sharing this on your own Facebook page or email to your contacts as you never know what woman in your life may be carrying her own painful secret of loss, suffering in silence, who could use some healing and hope.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. It is not as the world gives that I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, and do not let it be afraid.” John 14:27

Back in the Saddle...Merry Christmas, Happy New Year?

That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10

Yes, I know, it's been a while. I've had so much to write about and so much desire to write it but, so little time. I know you all can relate. So please accept my (very) belated: Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!
I hope you all were able to enjoy your holidays and changing of the calendar. For me, the ending of 2011 was something I didn't want to see happen. I remember feeling the same thing in 2010. Everyone told me that the holidays are the worst for missing loved ones passed, but I never think those cliches really apply to me. I was wrong. The boys' birthday, I could handle. Christmas, I could handle. New Years- almost too hard to handle.
I'll back up a bit and share something very few people know, but in August 2011 I became pregnant. By September the doctor was telling me that based upon my HCG numbers, she believed I was having twins again. Wow! Twins! Again! Thank you, Lord!!!
By October we knew things weren't looking right and that the pregnancy was probably going to end...and it did.
Then November was the twins' first birthday and Christmas, New Year's....I'm sure you get the picture.
Sometimes life feels like it's moving at a speed that you just can't keep up with. I'm wanting to wait and sit in the moment just to process and, well, the world keeps on spinning. Twenty-four hours a day.
It is through these times that I realize how weak and frail I really am. If people only knew the struggles I have, just like everyone else, they might not think so highly of me. I'm so happy that I know I can be open and honest before a God who loves me though, at my worst and at my best.
So for this new coming year I felt again the pangs of grief start to swell up. My other twin, Gianluca, has been growing into such a beautiful little toddler who isn't as dependent on his mommy as the infant he was, and I think that has freed me up to do some grieving that I just wasn't capable of during 2011. For the entire month of January I had found myself crying and overwhelmed at moments again just like the year before... This time, though, I welcomed these moments instead of trying to subdue them. I am not frenzied over a sick preemie any longer and could allow myself to take the time to weep. The release was welcome and probably much needed.
I had felt a little bit conflicted over this. I know so many people have held their breath waiting for me to collapse, or get the prescription for medication, or watch me curse God; but a loss of faith isn't what is happening here. I'm just weak. I don't have superhuman strength, or an extra ability that others don't have. All I have is a faith in a God who is my strength and ability and sometimes you have to reach the very pits of weakness to realize how truly strong He is. Enough to deliver you from all of your pains, regrets and fears. So, for now, I rest in knowing that,

There is a time for everything, 

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to gather stones and a time to scatter them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to give away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I'll let the Lord guide me through my seasons, as I hold onto His unchanging hand and faithful love. So that if I mourn or if I dance, it is all for His glory. Peace and love to you my friends.

Hope In the Sky (Happy Birthday Julian and Gianluca!)

So I am exactly one month and one day late with this post, but I'm just so happy I am getting this in before 2012. November 4th marked the anniversary of my twin boys' birthday. At 10:56 and 10:57 AM exactly one year earlier, I was in an operating room anxiously awaiting their arrival. I'll never forget the doctors pushing on my "numb" belly so hard I thought their hands would go right through the table. Then it came. "Baby A, 10:56." It was too quiet and seemed like an eternity until I heard the tiny, angry yelping from my precious new child. A wash of relief. "Baby B, 10:57." A large part of me gave in to the fantasy that maybe I would hear the cry. Maybe it was just delayed...but the silence has continued still 13 months later.
It's amazing how the Lord has turned so many of these things around in my life. How you can mourn, but have joy. Be weak, but have strength. Be in the midst of a storm, yet surrounded by ubiquitous peace. Only one God is able to turn your battle ground into your holy ground (by the way, also the title of a great sermon from Pastor Richard Anderson). This is what I felt on November 4th of this year.
The weeks before their birthday I was really stumped about how to go about celebrating the miracle of Gianluca's life while remembering the beautiful life of his twin brother, Julian. So, we decided to have a pancake-themed party and invited our family and those dear friends who had helped us so much in our times of need with the pregnancy and Gianluca. I got up early in the morning to cook and clean and with the help of my good friend and her daughter, we made 60 pancakes from scratch, a batch of gluten free, a batch of dairy free, plus sausage and bacon. Wow a lot of work, but it was so much fun! The pancakes were a hit and there was a thankfulness in the air that could be felt by all. We listened to the kids screaming and laughing, listened to good music and ate until our bellies were full. It was so amazing to watch Gianluca with all of his siblings, cousins and friends. He has been through a lot in his little life and all to the glory of God. Such a great time.
For Julian's part of the day, we had purchased a sky lantern (www.theskylantern.com), let everyone write messages and Scriptures on it and then went outside to release it. Chris unfolded the paper and moved it back and forth to give it some shape. Then he took a lighter and lit the flammable little card inside. I really didn't realize the impact this would have on me to see this fragile little paper balloon floating in the air, traveling further and further away. At first, we didn't think it was going to go up at all, but as the air heated, it started to gently lift higher and higher. Next, we thought it was going to get stuck in the trees. I closed my eyes for a second not wanting to see my only tribute to my baby be a dud, but it gracefully rocked back and forth in the wind, out of the clutches of the branches. It flew higher and further away and we walked, almost mesmerized down the driveway just to be able to keep our eyes on it. Smaller and smaller it became as the distance between us and the balloon grew. It was soaring now.
I started to think about life and what little control we have over it. Sometimes you think something is going to be a disaster, and end up in the trees, but the grace of God blows it into safety, giving it lift, giving it life and we just have to trust that wind and the fire inside with whatever direction it blows us in so that we, too, can fly.

"...and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:3

Julian's Online Memorial

I've never shared this publicly before, but in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I'd like to share some of my dearest and sweetest memories of the little boy that God used to change me forever. I am so grateful for his sweet life and I know that because of the love of God, we will one day we will be reunited. Thank you to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who truly is the Author and Finisher of my book. Without Him, I never would have made it out alive. Jesus has filled all of my days with more joy and hope than I could have imagined. Thank you for remembering my precious son, but as you watch, please remember the Son of God who gave His own life as ransom for many so that in the darkest times, we have a hope that does not disappoint. If you give Him your heart, He will make it new. This life is a journey, not a destination. I hope you are all blessed and comforted on this day of remembrance.

Our joys will be greater,
Our lives will be fuller,
Our love will be deeper,
Because of you, Julian

Customize a free photo slideshow

Running the Race

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith." Hebrews 12:1

The busyness of the fall season has begun and I am too quickly approaching the first birthday of Julian and Gianluca. Recently, we attended a remembrance ceremony at the hospital where I delivered my twins. Four kids and a loving mother-in-law in tow, we sat as quietly as possible (well, except for Kristofer). One of my good friends who happens to be an amazing professional photographer attended with her husband to support us and to take pictures. I am truly blessed. Calmly, we sat and listened to a few speakers, some soothing guitars and folky vocalists, and reconnected with some of the staff that had taken such amazing care of me and the babies. It was so nice to be back. The last place I was able to have Julian. The place where I held him and said, "goodbye". I love going back to that hospital...
Everything was running smoothly until they called out, "Julian Thomas...". It was the cue for Chris, me and the kids to walk up front and light a candle in his honor. With Gianluca on my hip, I took the lighter in my hand and lit the flame. Something about the physical representation of my sweet little baby's life, broke me down and sent me walking back down the aisle, head down and tears cascading to the ground. But just as I got back to my seat, Annika and Berlin were fighting and Kristofer was yelling over the woman on the microphone that he wanted more cookies. This is my life. Always remembering and longing for my one son, and so grateful to have my hands full of my other four not-so-baby babies. It is beautiful chaos and I love every minute. I don't deserve any of it, but serve a God who is full of love and mercy. A truly, good, wonderful Father.
So, I am looking ahead and not back. I used to think that I had to walk backwards into my future so I wouldn't forget my son, so I wouldn't leave him behind. But God has shown me that he isn't in my past, he is in my future. I must continue to run the race and keep my eyes on the prize. The prize is Christ and eternal life. I cannot wait to spend eternity with my Savior and my family in him- Julian included. He waits for me there, dancing in the presence of the Almighty.

Pictured here with the wonderful March of Dimes Director, who has become a dear friend and a sister in Christ. (Left to right: Berlin, Annika, me, Gianluca, Chris and Kristofer.)

Visions

The thief comes only to steal, slaughter, and destroy. I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly. John 10:10

It's been a while since my last entry, but the streams of lessons, memories and revelations have definitely not run dry. About four weeks ago I spent three hours laboriously typing from the depths of my soul, only to have my computer freeze and the whole thing deleted! Well, it was good reminder to save my work as I go along (think I will do that right now, as a matter of fact). 
I am sitting here finalizing the curriculum for my homeschool lessons this year. Yes! God has been leading us to homeschool and I have been following. I will blog more about this later, but the kids and I are so excited. So, as I meander through the net trying to get the best deals on books, I can't stop thinking about the most recent lesson the Lord, Himself, has taught me. A lesson about Vision. 
The Bible says, "Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keeps the law, happy is he." Proverbs 29:18. Well, I think most mothers (and fathers) can relate; the times I've had the most vivid visions have been during my pregnancies. The planning, the hoping, the dreaming. Envisioning life with your new child. During my last pregnancy, this was multiplied. Two boys! Two little babies at the same time! The worry, the excitement, the unknown. I spent most of my time preparing for what I envisioned life would be. 
The day I found out Julian had died was a day when all of my planning, all of my excitement, all of my hope, died, too. It has definitely been a lot to recover from. I fell not only into a depression after my delivery of the boys, but a place of tremendous fear. I was afraid of my own shadow. If one of the kids coughed, I thought This is it, they are going to be taken, too. 
It was like I was still in the bottom of the ship hiding from the storm, but the seas were calm and the sun was out (psychologists would call this Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). All I could see around me was loss and the fact that anything in life can happen at any time. I started to become physically ill to the point where I had to see many doctors who all concurred that in six months time I will need a pacemaker. I have no history (family or otherwise) of any heart problems, was very healthy and in great shape before my pregnancy, yet, I had developed this unexplained heart condition. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Provers 13:12. 
A few days later I went to church where my pastor's wife had called out to me during service to tell me God was healing my heart. I will blog more about this awesome day later, too. Four days after that I returned to the doctor without any symptoms and have been symptom free ever since. But God didn't just heal my physical heart. He started to heal my soul. I felt a lifting of all of that fear. I started to say, "Okay God, I am going to believe You, again."
The journey to wholeness has been so much like spiritual rehabilitation. Learning to walk, learning to eat, learning to use my hands. But I was still just barely making it. I lost a sense of who I was, who my family was, and more importantly, who my God is. I didn't want to move on. I didn't know what to make of my twinless twin or my four (or five?) children. Lost vision. I had gotten to the point where I didn't fear myself or my children dying at any given moment, but in a way, I had still given up. I assumed an, "If it's going to happen, it's going to happen, there is nothing you can do about it. Why even pray? Just surrender" attitude. But it wasn't God I was surrendering to. It was to defeat. The feeling that no matter what I do, things will be as they are and that is the end of that. I just need to keep going through my Christian walk and wait for Jesus to come take me back...but that isn't living! That isn't the abundant life our Savior Jesus died to give us. That is hopelessness and lack of vision. And of course that is what the enemy wants because it will destroy you. But could I believe God, again? Could I really stand upon His Word after such a huge let down and so much pain? The answer: yes.
Yes! We can trust the Lord. And now, He was asking me to pray for vision. To step out in bold faith and start taking back the ground the enemy had stolen from my life. How? By believing. I started to pray for an increase in faith and a vision. I need to see God for who He is and to know who I am, again.
I have been feeling like my spiritual legs are even stronger than before. Maybe because I know of great loss and pain, that I don't have to fear it. I can see how God's grace was sufficient for me. Think about all the things in life that you dread. I'd say of my top 5, I've experienced 3 (the only two I have left are tsunamis and snakes, and please God, let's keep it like that?). But those three no longer have a hold on me. Been there, done that. And my God is still greater. 
So I'd ask my dearly loved readers, what is it that you have just accepted defeat for in your life? Let's stand together in faith and pray for the vision that we need to continue. Let's resist the thief who comes to kill and destroy, by holding on to the victory we have received in Jesus. He didn't want us just to get by, He wanted us to LIVE. There is no going back, only forward- so live without fear!

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God. By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his son is with me, a prayer to the God of my life. (Psalm 42: 5,8)