Happy Valentine's Day! This has been one of the best that I've had in years. I woke up early to make heart-shaped pancakes for my family, watched as the kids gave their Valentine's gifts to Chris and spent the rest of the day cooking and crafting with the kids.
I am so grateful for the unfailing love of God in my life. No matter what I have done or where I have gone, His love has never left me. For the moments I gave up or walked away...even the times I actively defied God, His patience and grace have guided me through every single moment. There is not a time I can look back at my life and not see His amazing works. How he held me together when I thought I'd fall apart is more testament to how I can truly trust Him.
Still, this week has been a tough one for me. I'm not sure if it is the start of the support group or other circumstances in my life that have brought back some fresh feelings of grief, but they are definitely here. It can really make you feel isolated because everyone has expected me to move on by now; even me.
But in light of my loss, it has made me so very grateful for every moment I have on this earth. Every day that I get to wake up and make breakfast for the kids, coffee for my husband, changing diapers, schooling and cleaning, all the crazy things my kids to do make me laugh and the moments they just absolutely amaze me- I'm so grateful. There was a time I was away from them and didn't know if I would be back to ever enjoy this again. There is a child that I cannot do these things for or with...I am grateful.
I've been waiting for the right moment to share a letter I wrote to my son, Julian four days before I delivered him and his brother Gianluca. The March of Dimes representative, who now is one of my closest friends, had dropped off her weekly crafting project for me: two pieces of paper with a sort of frame to post my next sonogram picture on. I'll never forget her coming into my room and offering me two papers instead of one. It meant so much to me that she acknowledged that I still carried two. Still loved two. Still dreamed of two...
I held onto those papers for weeks, wanting to decorate them just the right way. I had wanted to put Bible verses on them and needed time to find just the right ones. To this day, I still haven't finished Gianluca's- but I will! LOL
What I do have is Julian's. There is no sono picture on it because the techs refused to give me a picture of him at my weekly sono after he passed away. I was able to find meaningful Scripture and even used the baby-themed stickers I was given and on the back of it wrote an emotional letter that reads,
To My Dearly Loved Son, Julian:
Your life was used to change mine from the moment you were conceived. How precious you will always be to me and Daddy. If I had been able to watch you grow and train you up in the Lord, I would have taught you to love the Lord, to always trust and obey Him and to never give up.
Now, as your mother, I am walking out those principles and every fiber of my faith is being tested; but I will not give up.
I promise never to let your life be used by Satan as a means to snuff out the light of Jesus or to be a subject of bitterness.
Just like your brothers and sisters, as brief a moment in time as it has been, your life will be a subject of joy and great testimony for our God.
And now, my sweet baby, I lay you to rest in the hands of our Savior, knowing that you are in the presence of His love and His glory, never to feel pain or hurt.
Until the day when Daddy and I meet you again, my heart will always be filled with the unconditional love God gave me for you and a tender aching to see you again.
With all my heart,
Mommy
10-31-10
Like the saying for 9/11 "We will never forget", I say the same. I will never forget...to be grateful. To love while I have the chance and to use whatever time God has given me to the best of my ability. And even greater than the love that a mother has for her children or a husband for his bride, is the love that Jesus has for each and every one of us. The trial in your life does not mean God doesn't love you. If we only could comprehend a portion of how deep His love is for us, we would have hope and peace that would be immeasurable. One day we will see Him face to face. One day, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4.
Our joys will be greater,
Our love will be deeper,
Our lives will be fuller,
Because of you...
***For mothers out there who have lost a child during pregnancy via miscarriage, abortion or stillbirth, we now have a support group Facebook page: www.facebook.com/groups/beautyforashesny where you can find hope and healing.
I am so grateful for the unfailing love of God in my life. No matter what I have done or where I have gone, His love has never left me. For the moments I gave up or walked away...even the times I actively defied God, His patience and grace have guided me through every single moment. There is not a time I can look back at my life and not see His amazing works. How he held me together when I thought I'd fall apart is more testament to how I can truly trust Him.
Still, this week has been a tough one for me. I'm not sure if it is the start of the support group or other circumstances in my life that have brought back some fresh feelings of grief, but they are definitely here. It can really make you feel isolated because everyone has expected me to move on by now; even me.
But in light of my loss, it has made me so very grateful for every moment I have on this earth. Every day that I get to wake up and make breakfast for the kids, coffee for my husband, changing diapers, schooling and cleaning, all the crazy things my kids to do make me laugh and the moments they just absolutely amaze me- I'm so grateful. There was a time I was away from them and didn't know if I would be back to ever enjoy this again. There is a child that I cannot do these things for or with...I am grateful.
I've been waiting for the right moment to share a letter I wrote to my son, Julian four days before I delivered him and his brother Gianluca. The March of Dimes representative, who now is one of my closest friends, had dropped off her weekly crafting project for me: two pieces of paper with a sort of frame to post my next sonogram picture on. I'll never forget her coming into my room and offering me two papers instead of one. It meant so much to me that she acknowledged that I still carried two. Still loved two. Still dreamed of two...
I held onto those papers for weeks, wanting to decorate them just the right way. I had wanted to put Bible verses on them and needed time to find just the right ones. To this day, I still haven't finished Gianluca's- but I will! LOL
What I do have is Julian's. There is no sono picture on it because the techs refused to give me a picture of him at my weekly sono after he passed away. I was able to find meaningful Scripture and even used the baby-themed stickers I was given and on the back of it wrote an emotional letter that reads,
To My Dearly Loved Son, Julian:
Your life was used to change mine from the moment you were conceived. How precious you will always be to me and Daddy. If I had been able to watch you grow and train you up in the Lord, I would have taught you to love the Lord, to always trust and obey Him and to never give up.
Now, as your mother, I am walking out those principles and every fiber of my faith is being tested; but I will not give up.
I promise never to let your life be used by Satan as a means to snuff out the light of Jesus or to be a subject of bitterness.
Just like your brothers and sisters, as brief a moment in time as it has been, your life will be a subject of joy and great testimony for our God.
And now, my sweet baby, I lay you to rest in the hands of our Savior, knowing that you are in the presence of His love and His glory, never to feel pain or hurt.
Until the day when Daddy and I meet you again, my heart will always be filled with the unconditional love God gave me for you and a tender aching to see you again.
With all my heart,
Mommy
10-31-10
Like the saying for 9/11 "We will never forget", I say the same. I will never forget...to be grateful. To love while I have the chance and to use whatever time God has given me to the best of my ability. And even greater than the love that a mother has for her children or a husband for his bride, is the love that Jesus has for each and every one of us. The trial in your life does not mean God doesn't love you. If we only could comprehend a portion of how deep His love is for us, we would have hope and peace that would be immeasurable. One day we will see Him face to face. One day, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4.
Our joys will be greater,
Our love will be deeper,
Our lives will be fuller,
Because of you...
***For mothers out there who have lost a child during pregnancy via miscarriage, abortion or stillbirth, we now have a support group Facebook page: www.facebook.com/groups/beautyforashesny where you can find hope and healing.
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